The Wit and Wisdom of Tina Williams

(Tina brings Max into a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL, for christsakes)

Rachel-They don't allow Max in here.

Tina-You know what they can do if they can't take a joke!

Rachel-(ticked off)Tina!

here's another...

Rachel-I already promised my parents!

Tina-Promises were meant to be broken, babe.

Now that we know we can trust Tina, let's continue...

Tina-Chill out Max! I'll get you water in a second!

She never got him water.

Tina-Mikey and I like it in the car!

Wow...who cares?

Tina-It's Tina! Queen of room service!

Yeah, room service from Hell

Tina-Stop the goddamn car, I want a pack of cigarettes! Well?

If Michael's nerves weren't so frazzled, she would have been decapitated. But the little wench managed to escape, much to the dismay of us all.

Tina-When you get older, your going to meet people who make you feel like...connected. LIKE YOUR HEART IS MADE OF NEON and you have to be with them.

What the hell? Hearts & Neon?

Jamie-But he was with you!


Jamie-The Boogyman!

Tina-(ditz)Oh yeah, that's one way of describing him!

Jamie-Tina, no!

Okay, Jamie could have been a little more clear on who was with her, but maybe that was because deep down inside, Jamie WANTED Tina to die, I know I did!

Dr. Loomis-Please, be sensible!


Have you puked yet?

Tina-Hey, you guys wanna go skinny-dipping?

At least the producers knew that she had to die before this little escapade could unfold, thank god.

Now for the best line ever...

Tina-Jamie! Run! Aaaarruuugghhh! *stabbed with knife* Jamie run! *gurlgling sounds*

HOORAY! Ding! Dong! Tina's Gone! The which old Tina? The Wicked Tina!

Why is Tina so COOL?

This is a difficult subject, so bear with me

Gross! Hiss! Boo!

Halloween 5 is in preliminary producttion. Ellie Cornell doesn't want to return, so Rachel has to die. Okay. She dies. It's sad, but true. I can deal with that, but who is she replaced with? Perhaps Marion Chambers comes into the scene? Or maybe Lindsey Wallace? Of course not! Who needs them when you have none other than the terrible Tina Williams!!!! *shudder*

Don't ask me why they casted her, heck I think the actor who portrayed the hermit at the beginning of H5 could have done a better job than Wendy Kaplan.

Let's look at the "actress"'s filmography, shall we? Hmmmm.....oh! She was in "Police Story: Monstor Manor", a 1988 made-for-TV movie. And....ohmygod!...another made-for-TV-movie! It's called "Summer Dreams: The Story of The Beach Boys". Hmmmm....that's it! You can tell that Hollywood knows talent, since she's been in nothing else since 1990. I guess that's another reason I'm glad the 80's are over, her career died with it.

Now lets look at Tina herself...

1. She dresses worse than anyone I can remember in the 80's. What the hell was that combination of jean jacket and those purple fluffy things?

2. Why was Rachel friends with her anyways? Did she feel sorry for Tina? Perhaps Tina let Rachel copy her term papers or something, because Rachel and Tina are nothing alike. I mean, Tina's voice could break glass, and I'm assuming she's the middle-child of the Williams clan, because she seems to have this psychological need to get attention.

3. Who the hell does Tina think she is telling Dr. Loomis that he is really creepy & ect. Did she not see Rachel confiding her feeling in him earlier that day? Gee, one might suspect that Dr. Loomis is a GOOD guy, but naturally not Tina.

4. Tina, I speak for every Halloween fan when I say NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK IF YOU AND YOUR DUMBASS "FONZ-WANNABE" BOYFRIEND LIKE TO 'DO IT' IN HIS CAR!!! Understand? I doubt it.

6. How can hearts be made of neon? I had to bring this up....

7. Tina is the only character in the entire Halloween history to annoy Michael Myers...notice how he acts in the car when she is whining about wanting a pack of cigarettes? He couldn't wait for her to get the hell away from him!

8. Now, I know Tina is known for sputting off worthless prattle, but seriously she did say one good thing...I liked the line "They should ban Halloween in this town". Wow! One intelligant thought came out of that waste of flesh! Who knew?

9. Towards the end of Halloween 5, the moment we all were waiting for finally came true...she died! Hooray! Well, there is speculation on wether she did die or not (like Billy Hill). Since she was found so soon after she was stabbed, and when they carried her off she wasn't covered by a blanket. (Of course this could simply be the work of the Happy Ambulance personnal, who then paraded her dead body around Haddonfield for all to enjoy). But I'd like to think she did die. I guess her one saving grace was that she died saving Jamie.

But what if Tina didn't die? What if she was revived at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital? If this is true, I have reason to believe she WAS in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers!!! In Kara's bedroom, remember that ditzy caller who was talking to Barry Simms about how she was "in love with Michael" and "attracted" to him? Yep, that was Tina Williams, folks. *sigh* The shock treatment she received at Smith's Grove finally went to her head.


You heard it here first, folks! If you turn on the tv, and look for a DutchBoy Paint commercial, you'll see Wendy Kaplan. She has this stooopid perm, and she wears this gawdy pink outfit. I also noticed her "acting" abilities have not improved at all, she better start saving her pocket lint.